I suppose in asking this I am going to leave myself wide open to abuse and criticism but I’ve reached a stage where I can’t just keep asking myself.
First thing you need to know is that I’m gay. I have known from an early age of my same sex attraction which grew considerably stronger as I grew and went through puberty. I even had a couple of secret relationships in my mid teen years. However I did not come out.
I grew up in a relatively stable family atmosphere with my twin and younger brother, both of whom my parents doted upon and made sure I knew I wasn’t as good at things as they. Sounds pathetic I know but I actually heard my mum on several occasions telling her friends how I wouldn’t be as good as either of them.
To try and get their attention I would work my ass off decorating, cooking, cleaning etc until one day they were talking about weddings. My bro’s both said how they would have theirs and so I told of my ideal which caught my mums imagination and I suddenly felt important and noticed and it stuck. None of this helped me become comfortable with myself and my dads frequent anti gay comments kept me deeper within myself.
Trying to be part and be noticed kept me closeted and trying to lead a normal life which led me to going around with a group from which I found myself with my first girlfriend whom I eventually married and shared a good friendship. Our sexual life though was/is a complete disaster. We then had a beautiful daughter but my own personal demons of feeling trapped and lying to everyone became stronger and stronger which led to severe depression and placed a real strain on the marriage.
It got to the point where I had to tell the truth and told my wife of my sexuality with the expected results. She told her parents and I told mine who’s only reaction was “so you’re telling us you’re queer!” I told friends who said they were not the least bit surprised and others. No tidal waves, not nothing, but then it ended like that. I had taken the biggest groundbreaking step in my life and nobody cared less, never mentioned it, never talked to me, absolutely nothing. The only person to react was my wife and we ended seeing a counsellor who got me to talk about me but didn’t really help us move forward.
I admit to feeling utterly deflated and more empty and lonely than before. I’d taken a life changing action and I might as well have talked to a wall. The end result was that I felt that what I had was better than an empty life of loneliness and so stayed with my wife and had another daughter, both of whom I adore, in the misguided belief that being friends would be enough. Sadly it’s not and after 7 further years of living in the closet I find myself in that dark place again, making my life and those around me utterly miserable. My wife needs a friend and lover and not what I am able to give which tears me up.
I realise that I need to finish what I started but doubt that anyone will believe me or pay any attention. My wife cares deeply for me but she is hurting because I can’t give her the attention a loving husband should and I have tried! My children love me deeply and if I was to separate they would be devastated and I would never want them hurt in any way.
We also lost my father-in-law to cancer earlier this year and my mum is also struggling with incurable cancer so would me trying to live my life make theirs more painful.
The saying that springs to mind is “between a rock and a hard place”. I desperately want to put things right but don’t want anyone to be hurt. I can’t see any way out so here I am asking you.
I know I deserve shooting for not being honest with myself right at the start and so stopping everyone suffering as a result. Coming out the first time was extremely difficult; to do it again terrifies me, however I dread the consequences of carrying on as is.
So I’m laying myself open to you….what do you think….is there a way I won’t hurt anyone?
