“GRANNY’S seventy?” exclaimed Chloe. “Gosh, but she’s so active. People her age are usually in a nursing home by now.”
I HAD read in a magazine that rubbing the end of a cucumber on your face was good for the skin.
“What are you doing?” asked Sue, my three-year-old niece.
“It’s supposed to make me beautiful,” I replied, getting to work with the vegetable. “Is it working?”
Sue fetched a stool, stood on it and peered at my face.
“Go on,” she said. “Keep going, keep going.”
IT was my grandson’s first day at school. His teacher asked him what his mother called him at home. Was it Nicholas, Nicky or Nick? “She calls me cheeky monkey,” he replied.
MY son rang me one day to ask if I could do some babysitting. Our four-year-old grandson was listening to the conversation and he called out, “I’m not a baby and I don’t want to be sitted on.”
THE small boy told his teacher: “My mummy and daddy were both students at university and they fell in love at the degradation ball.”
WHEN I was five I watched in amazement as grandma took out her teeth to clean them.
Leaning further through the bathroom door I whispered, “You won’t be taking your eyes out, will you grandma?”
FOUR-year-old Sarah asked this question from the back of the car: “Mummy, why are there more idiots on the road when daddy’s driving?”
I WAS out walking with my five-year-old grandaughter Lucy. It was a perfect day – sunny with a beautiful blue sky.
“Isn’t it a lovely sky?” said Lucy. “But I wonder what it’s like in heaven.”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“No,” she replied, “but it won’t be long before you find out will it?”
MY nephew came home from prayers at his school’s morning assembly and asked his mum: “Why do we say ‘old men’ after our prayers?”
AT my cousin’s wedding, one of the small bridesmaids asked the bride: “After you’ve got married, will you have children?”
“I expect so,” replied the bride, smiling.
“And then will you get divorced?”
ONE morning my son shared his wisdom with us: “Being in love is telling your wife that she looks really pretty when she doesn’t.”
“AND what position does your father play in the football team, Andrew?” asked his teacher.
“Drawback,” the child replied.
THE new neighbours had moved in and soon there was a knock on the
door and there stood a girl with her bicycle.
“Have you any children?” she asked my 75-year-old husband. “I have, but they’ve gone away,” he told her.
“Why?” she asked. “Didn’t they like you?”
CHILD to parent, as the train sped through Doncaster Station: “That virgin can’t half shift.”
I USED to work in a library and every Saturday morning a little boy came in, asking for, “A murder for my daddy and a lover for my mummy.”
A CHILD in my class came up and asked what the world “dowdy” meant.
I was very impressed and asked her if she could remember where she had come across the word.
She told me, “My mummy says you wear dowdy clothes.”
MY grandson Anthony was telling me what he had done over the weekend.
“Well, I had a bad cough and went downstairs to get a drink of water in the middle of the night, and do you know what, grandad? I found mummy and daddy sunbathing in front of the gas fire.”
“MY baby brother is having an operation on his willy. He’s having it circus-sized.”
“I don’t think our teacher knows much,” observed my grandson after a week in school. “All she does is ask us questions. She’s a teacher, she ought to know the answers.”
MY husband was putting our daughter to bed and planned to read her a story. A short time afterwards she came downstairs, sat down, and said: “Daddy’s asleep now, mummy.”
A CLASS of six-year-olds had been discussing how vital water is and how to reduce wastage. This led on to toilets and Peter piped up: “My grandad served in the sewers.”
The teacher thought this sounded like a good idea for a class visit so asked his mum who was mystified. She then realised his grandad had been called up in 1956 and served in the Suez crisis.
