He hasn’t proposed after four years… and it’s really starting to bring me down. What do you think?
So here’s the situation: we’ve been dating for over four years, living together for three years. A week after we began dating, he told me he loved me and knew we’d get married someday. I felt the same. Since then we’ve always talked about it – where we’d get married, where we might live when we do, what pets we might have etc etc etc. All talk, all the time. He’s been dropping hints that he’s going to propose for years now – having me describe numerous times what kind of ring I’d like, letting me know that he’d like to talk to my father about it beforehand – two years ago we even went to see a priest because we are members of different churches and we always said we’d like to talk to a religious official to discuss how marriage would work for us (what church we could get married in, how it would work raising kids etc). This was something we said we would like to do before we ever got engaged so naturally two years ago when he arranged for us to see the priest I thought the proposal must be coming. But no. Since then, every time we go on holiday, I think it’s going to happen, every time we go to my home, I think he’s going to talk to my father.
My boyfriend’s in the line of business where he takes bookings years in advance, so if he intended to marry me any time soon, he would need to make sure he doesn’t take on any business for that time. Today he told me that he’s doesn’t see us getting married for at least another three years and when I became upset about this, he claimed he couldn’t understand it because in his mind he has never once implied we were going to get engaged soon, or married any time in the next few years.
My bf is a really good person, and I know he would never knowingly mess me around or toy with my emotions – but that’s exactly what he’s doing. He promises that a proposal is coming some day and that it’s only me he wants to be with. But because for years I’ve thought the proposal was just around the corner, I’ve got this sinking feeling in my stomach that makes me think of ordering a meal in a restaurant and waiting for it for hours and hours, so long that when it finally does come, you simply can’t enjoy it because you’re too upset about how long you were kept waiting. That’s how I feel the proposal will be when it finally does arrive. There’s something about waiting and waiting and waiting that feels like a rejection – but my boyfriend simply can’t understand this.
He has a fair bit of money saved away, more than enough for a ring and deposits for a wedding, but he says two years isn’t enough time to plan a wedding and save all the money we need. I feel that if we got engaged, both our parents would step forward to help us out. I’ve never cared about having a wedding – I don’t need anything lavish anyway.
It just feels like he’s dragging his heels and it’s hurts. If he had said from the beginning that he never wanted to get married, that would be fine. But he’s talks about marriage and our future almost every day and this constant waiting and talking hypotheticals is starting to get to me so much.
Tagged with: After • bring • Down • Four • hasn't • It's • Proposed • really • starting • think • Years
Filed under: Wedding Fairs
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Why marry you he has everything he needs from you now. Time to move on
I am reminded of that old saying about, Why buy the cow when the milk is free? I’d suggest an elopement with a civil ceremony now and do all that fancy rubbish later. If he balks, walk.
the first person was right.
i read this book once that said this: Ask yourself, how long it took YOU to realize that you wanted to marry him???? A week? A month? Yeah, so if 4 years down the line he still hasn’t made that same realization, you are wasting your time.
Move out. He may change his mind when he sees how life would be without you.
Cohabitation seems like a good idea but many couples do not know that it decreases the chances of marriage. The reason being, a couple gets so set in their every day roles so much so they are pretty much mocking husband and wife roles anyway. As a result. the priority of marriage is pushed back. Your boyfriend seems like a good man, however marriage is not for everyone. He needs to know your life plans so instead of only discussing marriage, discuss kids, maybe a career. Discuss the other things surrounding a marriage that you want. As your man he should want to make you happy so be patient. If he loves you…and really knows how important marriage is to you…it will happen.
have you talked to him about this on how you feel?
i would probably ask again if he loved you still and does he still want to marry you?
if i read it wrong your not even engaged? that confuses me because you can get engaged it does not have to be that year or otherwise.
i also have to say that alot of men play the love and marriage game but never go through with it because there girl is putting out so there is no rush or real point to why to get marred.
but hey i don’t know you or the guy your with so.
good luck with your problem hope all works out (we all need happiness)
it is so heartbreaking to hear of yet another trusting young woman who has given a man all she has to give and gotten nothing in return.
if you really want to marry this man after he has spent the past 3 years torturing you, then move out of his house and go home to your parents or with a girlfriend or your own place and let him know that if he really values you, respects and loves you, he will have to take the next step and get going with the wedding plans or he can’t have you.
don’t move back in just because he give you a ring and sets a date….stay gone until the vows are said and then you can move back in and begin again.
if he doesn’t respond favorably then he was never serious about it to start with. it is simply not okay for him to use you like this nor is it okay for you to let him. what do your parents say about all of this? surely they cannot be happy about it.
ok guys are not that smart, if you guys have already talked about it ALOT from the sounds of it, why would he feel he needs to propose, it sounds like one of thoes mutual agreement things, my soon to be husband, never “proposed”, but whenever we get my ring cleaned at the jewelry store he jokenly gets down on one knee to give it back. if after the first week you two felt so strongly about eact other, why does he have too??
and talking is all he will do about the wedding and wedding plans, men are useless when it comes to planning a wedding, its YOUR day, do all the planning with your mom or a girlfriend.
all you need for a small beautiful wedding is like 10-15g’s sounds like that shouldnt be a problem for you.The man isnt going to go pick your dress out for you and stand there for hours while you stare at yourself in the mirror, you can go to a bridal shop anytime on your down time and get the ball moving, starting with the dress is always exciting(it may sound ignorant thats just my point of view)
i am a equal to my man, we make all decisons together, the tradition of having a wedding is different for everyone, if hes “hurting” you that bad, ask him to be a bit more formal about things, its a resonable request.
I HAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER FOR YOU CAUSE IM GETTING MARRIED ON MAY EIGHT OR NEXT SATURDAY, AND ME AND MY FIANCEE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS LIVED TOGETHER FOR 4 YEARS AND HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM AND HE FEELS THE SAME DONT GET DOWN IT DOSENT DO ANY GOOD SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND MAKE AN AGREMENT. THATS WHAT WE DID. AND I KNOIW IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU. aS FAR AS MONEY GOES WE PLANNED IN 4 MONTHS AND SPENT MAYBE 1500 SO YOU CAN HANDLE IT
I think the problem is that from the very beginning, although you may have had similar intentions (ie. to get married), your timelines were vastly different. He may have never realized that you were expectantly and breathlessly waiting for him to pop the question during each major holiday, etc. In his mind, he’s been steadily plodding along towards marriage, and thinks you’ve always been on the same page.
Now I don’t know you guys, but looking at his perspective, he has already 1)figured out you share the same ideals, 2) tried to sort out possible religious differences, 3) started making a good financial basis for you both, and 4) committed to living together. All of these are steps towards marriage, but none of them truly indicate his exact timeline. You assumed his timeline was your timeline. And sad to say, guys can be pretty insensitive and dense about women’s desire to settle down and get married; he probably honestly did not realize that you were expecting a different timeline. I hope this makes you feel a little better. He’s seeing steps, you’re seeing heel-dragging. It’s not that the doesn’t care about you – he does. You just interpreted his steps through your eyes – not his.
Why did he pick getting married in 3 years? What’s his rational for this number? What does he mean by saving up all the money we need? Is he talking about saving up for a house? a baby? unforeseen life circumcstances? health insurance? Maybe he doesn’t want financial help from either of your parents.
The biggest red flag I see in all of this, is that you guys have a communication problem. It is deep, and has been there for 4 years, thus becoming a habit. I think he clearly loves you and plans to marry you. But if you have any hope for a solid marriage, the next thing you need to work on is improving communication and understanding between you both. This may require a professional to help you guys figure out new ways of communicating, get rid of old habits, and learn new techniques to keep your relationships solid.
Good luck!
oh my gosh my mum has been with her partner for like 11 years this year and shes wanted to marry him 8 years ago but he still says no. sorry but no wedding for you hun xxx
It’s hard to tell from a few paragraphs, but the way this is written, it sounds like you guys are not communicating at all. He may not be playing with your emotions – he may honestly think he’s giving you info for some future date yet to be defined, and that this is enough. Why is it enough? Because you’re still there.
You, on the other hand, seem to be in a holding pattern getting one disappointment after another, but apparently never sitting him down and discussing the importance of marriage to you.
Lack of communication kills relationships all the time. In your case, it sounds like you guys got “starry eyed” way too quickly and rode that wave for too long, without taking time to know each other and know how to have gut level honesty.
I don’t agree that you should dump him – that seems premature. But I do think you’re long overdue to sit him down in a non-confrontational way and talk to him about this from YOUR standpoint. You could even get his attention by starting out saying you’re afraid that the 2 of you have different goals for the future. It’s a scary convo, because you may learn once and for all that you do. But you need to know.
Talk it out. Be ready to compromise.
he needs to realise how important this is gettin for u, and the only way he will is if u talk to him straight. its not good for u to be kept in this limbo for any longer, if he loves u he will undestand…..
3 years my foot!!!! good luck
four years of being together is a long time but that’s not the only factor to consider. I was with my bf for 8 years before he proposed but that was because of our circumstances. We were really young when we got together and we wanted to wait until we were done with our education and also until we knew we were grown up and ready for such a big commitment.
So many men don’t feel the need to propose to their gf, I don’t really know why but they don’t, and yes it does hurt a lot when they don’t. What I am trying to get accross to you is that 4 years is not an eternity to be together. how old are you now? do you have your own house together are you both truely ready for such a big commitment? whatever you do, don’t push him into it. If this is something that you truely want and marriage is what you want from life now then the two of you are on different pages. He is not ready to get married, by the sounds of things.
The choice you have is to either wait for him and be patient or to end the relationship and find what you want. You cannot make him want to marry you yet. If I were you I would wait a couple more years, if by then there is no proposal, I would start to get a bit worried.
why don’t you propose to him instead, he will most definitly say yes, he wants to be with you, you have lived together long enough, but if by any chance he says no, then you hav the perfect oppotunity to ask him why and then he will have to tell the truth and at least you know where you stand with him.
Maybe he is worried you will say no, and thats the only reason he has not asked you